I keep getting questions ion DM saying ” My Ex Wants to Get Back Together, what should i do? “When we end a relationship and a considerable amount of time passes, you may sometimes want to know what would have happened if the story had never ended, if your ex deserved a second chance, or if the same thing would happen again and we had make the exact same choices (hits and misses included).
According to scientist studies of Kansas State University assistant professor Amber Vennum conducted research on couples in cyclical relationships, those who break up and then get back together. Her findings showed that cyclical couples tend to be less satisfied with their partner, have worse communication, make more decisions that negatively affect the relationship, have lower self-esteem, and have a higher uncertainty about their future together. Vennum advises against rekindling a relationship with an ex and suggests making sure the decision is carefully considered by both people and that specific efforts are made to establish clarity.
The reality is that a breakup doesn’t always equal a final breakup. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s wedding is the perfect example of this. They broke up and each built their own life, got married and had children. Now, after 20 years, they’re sure they want to give their story another chance.
What the experts say about getting back together with your ex
In short, the passage of time can be an inconvenience or an advantage, depending on how you look at it. We spoke with a psychologist to analyze these pros and cons and find out if continuations can really be a good thing.
“Over many years, people grow, change, mature and can become a completely different person (which is an advantage in many cases). So if they meet at the right time, they can get back together and survive the test of time” – Cristina Pérez, head of the psychology team at Siquia .
The expert warns that the affection for the other person can’t change over so many years: “If it was an intense, beautiful and healthy relationship, it’s hard to forget.” Especially if you separated well and with understanding and respect for each other.
My Ex Wants to Get Back Together, is getting back with an ex a good idea
Cons of getting back together with your Ex
1. Things may have changed
Years have passed for both of you, and you’ve both changed in that time. However, regardless of the reasons for the breakup, the other person’s personality may have changed and no longer suit you.
After parting from relationship, it might happen that the return to same relationship is no longer the like earlier. In addition, the reason for the breakup plays an important role, and if we as a couple don’t have good communication, it’s impossible to consider anything.
It can be beneficial to bring it up because we think it has “corrected” some behaviors over the years, but it’s quite normal to idealize the love that was and that we think will be the same 20 years later… and that isn’t always the case.
2. It stops you from moving on
The expert points out, “If you’ve tried to maintain the relationship with this person but it hasn’t worked out, you may need to recognize when to let go.” Repeating the same failed decision prevents you from moving on and growing in life. It’s important to know if we’re going back because we want to or if, on the contrary, we don’t want to leave our comfort zone.
“If you’re considering a new relationship, be completely honest with yourself. Review your reasons for making that decision. Don’t go back to your partner because you feel lonely. Don’t go back because you’re bored or afraid you’ll never find someone again.”-Noelle Nelson, psychologist and author.
She also points out that insisting on a relationship from the past that didn’t work out can mean you need new company and to get out of your comfort zone so you don’t fall back into times long gone. It’s important to know and listen to the other person to know when you’re ready to enter into a new relationship.
3. The damage can be greater
Getting back together with your ex sometimes means reopening old wounds from the past, to which new conflicts can be added. “The ball can get bigger and the result will be worse than the previous one. If you suffered from the end of the relationship, the damage can be even greater now because more reasons or illusions are added,” explains Cristina Pérez.
4. Resentment is often present
Depending on the problem that led to the breakup, you may never get over what happened: “If the cause was infidelity, not everyone knows how to forgive the cuckold. If the resentment is present during the new relationship opportunity, it’s difficult to make the ending happy.”
5. The feeling of the first time is missing
Every couple that meets goes through a “honeymoon” phase where everything is perfect and wonderful. It’s the time when they get to know each other’s hobbies, details, and eventually personality better. When you get back together with your ex, this phase is skipped because you have already experienced the first time you were together.
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Pros of getting back together with your Ex
1. You already know each other
One of the benefits and positive aspects of getting back together with your ex-partner is that you already know each other and there is a sexual-affective connection between you. “If you want to get back together with your ex, it’s because he has positive qualities that you want to have back in your life. However, at the moment of reconciliation, it’s important to work on the negative aspects that separated you at that moment.”
2. Learning together from mistakes
Conflicts are normal in a relationship. But with dialog, respect and trust, everything can be solved.
“Being a couple again after a long time means getting used to each other again and learning new aspects that have changed over the years. During this time, you need to know how to mature together and learn from mistakes,” he warns.
3. You may be closer
You may have missed each other after your breakup and realized how important you’re to each other, even though you spent so many years together. “When you get back together, you may be closer than you were before.”
4. If you have children together, it may be good for them
If you had children in your previous relationship, it may be good for them if you get back together after many years. It’s important to know how to handle this aspect because it can be a big change for them, even if they’re older.
“Explain to them what happened, the reasons for your reunion and your future plans, because this relationship also affects them,” advises the expert.
Second parts may not be good… or they are.
Pérez qualifies that people change a lot after a long time, so what was a reason for conflict in the past may not be so in the present: “The evolution of life and motivations determine the viability of the relationship and whether the suspicions of the past are overcome.” The second part may not be good…or maybe it’s.